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is an emotion; however, it can be felt through out the entire body. The
effects are not just emotional they are often physical too. It is complicated
and misunderstood. Unfortunately, at some time in our lives this is
something we will all experience. The inevitable fact is we all experience
loss, be it through death of a loved one, a pet, or even through divorce.
The stages that are experienced are generally the same. There are five
known stages of grief. Each person must work through these stages for
healing to occur. Frequently people will get stuck in a stage, making their
journey to wellness slower. The process in which we go through the
stages is different for each person. The way I grieve may not be the way
you do. It can even change from experience to experience. The way you
may grieve for the loss of a pet may not be the say as you would from a
divorce. It is also common to go through a couple stages then repeat one
you already thought you had worked through. No matter how you do it,
ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
feeling, or a feeling of total indifference. There may be no crying, or you may
not accept or even acknowledging the loss.
It is my opinion this is the body’s defense mechanism that is necessary for us to
make funeral arrangements. For me this “Numb” feeling allowed me to go
through all the motions with out really experiencing what I was doing, which in
fact was planning my daughter’s funeral
Anger ("why me?" stage): During this stage you may have feelings of wanting
to fight, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving, Blaming yourself for
not being able to “save” your child, or even becoming angry with God.
At first I blamed myself. Why did I put her down for her nap? Why did i notI just
put her in the infant sling and hold her like I always did? Then I blamed my
husband. Why don't he pick her up when he came home? Why was he always
too busy for the kids? Then I became angry with the doctors. What do you
mean there are no answers? Finally I became angry with God. “Why my child?”
Wow! I probably asked that question a million times during the first few months.
Here I thought my family was invincible. If that was true, how could SIDS happen
to us? The funny thing is this is the stage that empowered me. This is the stage
that drove me to get online and search for answers. I talked to anyone and
everyone who would listen. I read every article I could find hoping that maybe
somewhere in one of them I could get enlightenment, an answer of any kind.
And it was this stage that impelled me to write this book.
Bargaining- In this stage you will find yourself attempting to make deals with
anyone who will listen, but most often with God, to bring your child back or put
back the hands of time. You may find yourself begging, wishing, and praying for
them to come back. Or you may find yourself offering your own life in exchange.
For us this stage began before our daughter actually died. Katee spent 56
hours in the hospital fighting for life. Our whole family spent that time praying.
Sometimes our prayers were simply give us strength, but mostly they were make
this go away, bring our daughter back to us, take my life instead.
Depression- In this stage you may feel overwhelmed or hopeless. You might
become easily frustrated, or feel bitterness and self pity. In this stage you might
mourn the loss of your child as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the
future. You may feel out of control, or even repeat the numb feeling. For some
you may even have suicidal thoughts. If your symptoms progress to this stage it
is important that you see a doctor immediately. You don’t have to suffer this
alone!
I knew my past history with depression so as soon as we returned from the
hospital with out our daughter I called my doctor and asked for antidepressants.
This worked well until a little over a year later when I lost my insurance
coverage. I was out of work, separated from my husband and feeling alone.
The depression hit like a freight train. I spent hours in my bed crying. I ate even
despite the fact that I was not hungry. Then went to the other extreme and did
not eat for days on end. I isolated myself from my friends and family. I would
never kill myself but I prayed often that I would die. Finally I knew that
something had to be done. I called SIDS Resources. Talking with them helped
me to see that yes this is horrible, and yes this hurts, but we have to continue to
live. I was able to find a job, and I enrolled in college. It was not easy or magic
by any means but it was a start, a step to the next stage in my grieving process.
Acceptance- By acceptance I am not saying to “get over it.” There is a
difference between resignation and acceptance. This is the stage of realization.
When you finally can say,” Yes my child died and it hurts, but I have to live.”
You realize that your child is gone and that is no one’s fault. It is in this stage
that you can look beyond the pain. You can finally find some positive that can
come out of the pain of loss. You can remember your child with fond memories.
This is where you finally find comfort and healing. Your goals turn away from the
negative and toward personal growth.
want me to do WHAT? That will never happen. However, is does! Today I can
tell you that while I miss my daughter with all my heart and soul, I am ok. I know
that there is a reason for her death. I know that by dying she was able to touch
more people in 4 short months than most of us will in 80 years. I know that I
blessed to have raised an Angel.
This does not mean that I am finished grieving, not by any means. Even once
we have begun personal growth, we may have times of sets backs. We may
have to revisit some of the pain to remind ourselves of the joy. If this happens,
do not beat yourself up. Just go with it. Know that in this you will find deeper
understanding, and never be afraid to ask for help!