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their world of suffering. As mentioned above many people will not only have
emotional symptoms but they can also have physical symptoms, especially if
they are unable to work through a stage. These symptoms can be but are
not limited to; headaches, muscle soreness, insomnia, upset stomach or
acid reflux, and even anxiety attacks. Other symptoms are reliving the event
through flashbacks, frightening memories, which can make you lose your
sense of reality, nightmare, and fear. All of these can be “triggered” by
situations or events that remind you of your child. When these symptoms
become overpowering a doctor may diagnosis the patient with Post-
traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Much like grief, PTSD, has stages.
However, unlike grief you do not have to experience all stages
or experience the scene from when you found your child. These flashbacks may
be very realistic and painful, like vivid dreams. You may feel fear, disbelief, and
helplessness. This can be so devastating that it triggers anxiety or panic attacks
or other psychosomatic symptoms.
I was the one who first discovered our daughter so for me the flash backs were
horrendous. I played over and over what I did. What I could have done? What if I
had changed this or done that. This did lead to Anxiety attacks that were so
severe that I found myself in the Emergency Room with what I thought was a Heart
Attack. My doctor had to adjust my medications. If you experience any kind of
chest pains, do not pass them off as nothing. Go to the hospital let the doctors
determine the true cause.
“On Edge” or an intense tendency to be constantly alert: You may find yourself
looking around as if something is missing or forgotten. Often parents report going
in to check on their other children repeatedly through out, the night just to make
sure everything is ok. This can cause you to have a hard time sleeping or
concentrating. You may become angered easily or be irritable, fearful, or easily
startled.
This affected me in three parts. I could not sleep. I would go to check on my
children 20-30 times a night. If they looked too peaceful, I would shake them to
make them move, if they were too close to something I would move them, if their
blankets were too close to their face I would pull them down.
I often had the horrible feeling as if I was forgetting something. We would pile the
whole family in the car and I would stop, look around because “something was not
right.” I would scan over everything and do my normal head count. That is when
it would hit me. Something was not right someone was missing.
Then I would be at the local market and I would have to look in every pumpkin
seat, as if may just by chance one of these times it would be my child in there and
this whole thing would be one big misunderstanding. Only to be disappointed
when I saw it was not my child and then the realization that it will never be my child
again. Now 18 months later most of these symptoms have worked themselves
out. However, I still will get the feeling as if something is not right. Only now when
this happens I stop allow myself to spend a few moments thinking of my child and I
can continue with what I was doing.
Avoidance: Many parents avoid anything that may trigger a memory of their
child, or the emotional distress that was felt during those first few moments. This
can become exhausting. You may avoid where you found your child; their
bedroom, your bedroom, the day care ECT… You may also find it hard to watch
TV programs, which remind you or trigger emotional events. Finally, you may
isolate yourself from friends who also have infants or from places where it would
be hard to avoid infants.
I still suffer through on a daily basis in this one stage. I have not held a baby since
January 24, 2001. I cannot get myself to do it. I am afraid of what would happen
or how I will feel if I do. This affects my work. I cannot greet customers who come
in with infants. If one happens to ask me a question, I have to find someone else
who can help them. I wish I could give some wise words as to how to move pass
this. Perhaps I will have to just force myself to do it, or maybe it is just a matter of
time. Like most these other stages will time heal this wound too?
What you have to keep in mind is that symptoms of PTSD will differ from person to
person. It will also differ depending on how or when your baby was found. We
need to consider that adults or children can feel these symptoms. Remember
what happened to you happened to the whole family. If you are experiencing any
of these symptoms, seek help. Many organizations (such as SIDS Resources of
St. Louis) through out the country have trained employees to help you. Call them.
You are not alone.